The NBA is a complete mess. I’m unhappy, so on this day, instead of thinking about the dark cloud looming over my NBA Utopia, I choose to think about a time where my outstanding knowledge of the NBA and all things basketball, put me in the driver’s seat to glory. Also known as the best time I’ve ever had at a CVS.

It’s 2016 and I’m living in the Puerto Rican neighborhood in West Side Cleveland. Down the road from my house is a little grocery mart that had gated windows, and the kind of boner pills that Lamar Odom ate when he OD’d at the Cat House. This is my first time here, and I bought some Doritos for my first time then when I got to the counter, the Middle Eastern clerk questioned me, as he furrowed his gigantic eyebrows at me, “You are not from ‘round here, no?” I obviously was not. “Shooting here, not long ago. Be very careful, yes?”

“Of Course”

Down the road, on a busted up street called Clark Ave, there were a bunch of run down fast food joints and the classic, “Walgreens across from a CVS” scenario. The CVS on the Burger King side, is where this story unfolds.

I wandered around the CVS, because that is what happens when you are a little stoned, and in my bumble, I remembered that I didn’t need the bandana I had in my hand but I did need toothpaste. I put down the bandana by a section of “As Seen on TV” products, and made my way towards the dental hygiene aisle. On the way there, I crossed paths with an extremely tall man, in a long leather coat, and fairly fashionable dress shoes. “Very outta of place” i thought as we gave each other the passing head nod. But as I took the step passed him, I realized that he was not just a tall well dressed man; It was former NBA Superstar and noted Michael Jordan whipping boy, Patrick Ewing. My butthole clinched. “What is he doing here?”

I moved towards the toothpaste aisle trying to figure out what the possibility of that actually being Patrick Ewing, and not just a tall older black guy that I stereotyped into being an ex-NBA Superstar. That’s when I remember that the Charlotte Hornets played the Cleveland Cavaliers in Cleveland tomorrow. Patrick was a bench coach for Jordan’s Hornets! It HAD to have been him. I combed my brain for something awesome to say to him if we crossed paths again; Which we would because I fully intended on walking by him again.

I grabbed the first toothpaste I saw (a damning move in the long run as I would be lambasted by my girlfriend for the choice), and raced back towards Patrick: A man who once had his talents stolen by the Monstars. I found him in the wine aisle, holding an $8 bottle of Zinfandel and condoms. It was now or never.

“Hey, You’re Patrick Ewing”

“Nah,” he replied, his voice so low I could barely hear it, “that’s my brother”

I admit, it was a harsh, startling entry by me, and obviously, Patrick wanted to keep a low profile seeing as he’s in a rough part of Cleveland buying condoms and wine seemingly on his way to smashing a Cleveland hooker. Lucky for him, I caught the vibe. Unlucky for him, I knew he didn’t have a brother, and I hate liars. All I wanted to do was ask him about his legendary Snickers commercial. I had to strike.

“Well, Patrick’s brother, it must of sucked getting dunked on by Patrick Chewing your whole life.”

Boom. Roasted.

This froze Patrick, he knew, I knew, he was actually Patrick Ewing. He also knew he hadn’t fooled me. And he knew Patrick Chewing references can’t be left hanging. He smiled and extended his fist.

We bumped fists, me and Patrick; Him with his condoms and wine, me with my toothpaste and dignity, and our eyes met. i gave him the, “Enjoy that Puerto Rican hooker pussy” nod and we parted ways. Perhaps never to meet again.

(Doobie McGee can be found on Twitter and Instagram. He also does his own writing on the Doobie Chronicles. We thank him for contributing a couple pieces to SnoTapWI. You can always do the same: snotap12@gmail.com or any of the social media platforms.